Mission Impossible won the Congleton One Act Play Festival 2009

Mission Impossible

A Comedy in One Act

by

David Muncaster

Characters:

Angela: Age 20 – 50, very smartly dressed. Cheesy cheerful.

Tim: Age 20 – 50, untidy business clothes. A bit of a joker.

Brian: Age 20 – 50, untidy business clothes. Disinterested.

Jacquie: Age 30 – 50, cheap suit. Self important.

Caroline: Age 20 – 40, standard business clothes. A little unstable.

(A Meeting Room within the head office of a package holiday company. TIM, BRIAN, CAROLINE and JACQUIE are sitting at a conference table. ANGELA is standing by a flipchart. All four are wearing business clothes, though the men are rather scruffy. ANGELA on the other hand is immaculately dressed in a smart suit.)

Angela: Well I guess we’ll make a start. Thanks for coming today. My name is Angela and I am a consultant brought in by the company to run this little session today. I am very excited to be working for one of the leading package holiday companies in the UK and I just know that we are going to have a great day today. We are going to start off by doing a little introduction exercise, but before we start I want to make it absolutely clear that what is said between these walls stays between these walls. OK? We trust each other and we have confidence in each other, yeah? OK. If you turn over the first page of your booklets, you will see that there are three questions. Name, brief job description, and why you’ve come today. Now, I don’t want you to fill it in for yourself, I want you all to pair up and fill it in for your partner. Understood? (There is a general groaning.) Excellent! OK, off you go. (The others reluctantly talk in muffled tones whilst ANGELA walks around the table glancing over shoulders. As she does this, the writers cover up what they have written so she cannot read it.) Just a few words will do, I am not after War and Peace. (After a few moments ANGELA returns to her position near the flipchart.) OK time’s up. Tim, (She smiles at him.) would you like to start? Who is your partner today?

Tim: This is Brian. He feeds shit to senior management and he’s here today because his colleagues have taken out a restraining order on him. (The others smirk.)

Angela: Well, thank you for making us laugh Tim. Now what does Brian really do?

Tim: I haven’t the foggiest.

Angela: Brian?

Brian: I’m a data analyst.

Angela: Ah, now that’s your job title Brian. That is your ‘label’ but what do you actually do? (When saying the word ‘label’, ANGELA makes speech mark signs with her fingers.)

Brian: What Tim said.

Angela: Would it be fair to say that you provide management with the information they require?

Brian: The information they want to hear, yes.

Angela: And now, maybe you could tell us about Tim?

Brian: (Sighs.) This is Tim. It is so long since he did any actual work that he can’t remember what it feels like and he has come here today because lunch is included.

(ANGELA looks at TIM who beams back at her. We get a sense that there is going to be tension between the two of them.)

Angela: Right! Well I’m sure we’ve all learnt something (Pause.) valuable from that little exercise, so perhaps we will just move on now. We have a lot to get through and I am sure that we will all learn a lot about each other as the day progresses. Now, onto the purpose of today’s session…

Jacquie: Excuse me.

Angela: Yes?

Jacquie: We’ve done ours.

Angela: You’ve done your what?

Jacquie: We’ve done the introduction exercise. Aren’t you going to let us read ‘em out?

Angela: It’s just that we are short of time and…

Jacquie: If you’re short of time you shouldn’t ‘ave ‘ad us do ‘em in the first place.

Angela: Oh. Well. (Smile.) All right then. Um. Please go ahead.

Jacquie: This is Caroline. She’s just back from an extended break. She used to work in the call centre, but she’s not going back there, and she has come today to make a valuable contribution to the debate.

Angela: Splendid!

Caroline: This is Jacquie with a Q. She works on reception and she too wants to make a valuable contribution to the debate.

Brian: Jacquie with a Q?

Tim: Quackie!

Brian: Ah.

Angela: Right, well, thank you ladies. I’m pleased that we have a diverse set of skills in the room, even though there are only four of you. I’m sure we are going to have a very productive day today. Now! Who can tell me what the company mission statement says?

Jacquie: The what?

Tim: Let nation speak unto nation?

Brian: That’s the BBC.

Tim: Er. The future’s bright, the future’s orange?

Brian: Mobile phones.

Tim: You’ll never put a better bit of butter on your knife?

Brian: You can’t get quicker than a quick fit fitter.

Tin: A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play.

Brian: Go to work on an egg.

Tim: A million housewives every day pick up a tin of beans and say…

Tim:

(Together.) Beanz meanz Heinz.

Brian:

Angela: Ha, ha, ha! Oh I can see we are going to have fun today. Very creative boys, but what’s the real answer? (Silence.) No? (More silence.) Well I think that demonstrates why we are here today. You can remember all those catchy slogans, but you cannot remember the company mission statement that is written at the top of every piece of official company stationary. And our job today, our mission, (Pause for laugh that doesn’t come.) is to come up with a new statement that sums up what the company is all about and is both memorable and meaningful. Isn’t that exciting?

Jacquie: We’re here to write a mission statement?

Angela: Yes.

Jacquie: I thought it were to put things right.

Angela: Put things right?

Jacquie: Sort the company out.

Angela: What did the invite say?

Jacquie: Volunteers wanted to talk about what the company is going to do in the future.

Angela: Nearly. It said to define what we do.

Jacquie: Same thing.

Brian: It means ‘define’ as in figure out what the hell it is that we do, not change what we do.

Tim: (Shocked.) You mean we don’t send people on crap holidays? I always thought that was what we did.

Brian: Buggered if I know. All I see is numbers.

Angela: Yes. I’m sure that if you had read on a bit, you would have found that the purpose of today’s workshop did become quite clear. Never mind. We’re here now and I’m sure that we will produce great results if we all work on this together. Yes? (Nothing.) Right ho. Let’s begin! If you turn to the next page in your little booklet, you’ll see a list of words. Caroline, which word in that list sums up the purpose of this company as you see it?

Caroline: Sorry?

Angela: Turn the page Caroline. (She does.) Good. Now which word in that list best describes what this company is all about?

Caroline: Er…

Angela: In your own time.

Caroline: It doesn’t make any sense.

Angela: Pick a word, any word.

Caroline: Wig-wam.

Angela: What?

Caroline: I don’t know, you said to say anything.

Angela: Anything on the page!

Caroline: It is on the page. Wig-wam.

Tim: How does that describe the company?

Brian: Maybe we are fighting the cowboys.

Tim: Very good.

Angela: (Crossing to CAROLINE.) Where?

Caroline: There. (Pointing.) Wig-wam.

Angela: Win-win. It says win-win.

Caroline: Well, I haven’t got my glasses.

Angela: Well, it might have been an idea for you to have brought them. You might have expected that there would be a bit of reading to do

Caroline: Are you having a go? Don’t you dare have a go at me.

Angela: No I …

Caroline: Days, I’ve been back. Days. Three months it took me to get myself right. I shouldn’t have come back. We could have managed without my wages, I’m sure we could, but he said the MOT is up on the car and it needs a new exhaust and how my money makes all the difference so I came in, and HR said they’d ease me back in gently and send me on a few training courses but it’s too early. I knew it was. I can’t deal with it. I shouldn’t have come. (She exits.)

Brian: Oh dear.

Angela: What did I say?

Jacquie: I told you that she had just come back from an extended break. You shouldn’t pressure her.

Angela: I didn’t.

Tim: By extended break, I take you mean that she’s been on long term sick.

Jacquie: Yes.

Angela: With stress?

Jacquie: She called a customer a trumped-up, self-opinionated, sadistic, overblown excuse for a moron.

Angela: Ah.

Jacquie: With a tiny little willy.

Angela: I see. Well, let us bear that in mind for the rest of the session, if she comes back, we should take this as an opportunity to help ease her back into work.

Brian: You can rely on us.

Tim: Absolutely.

Angela: (Unconvinced.) Good. Remember what I said at the beginning. We trust each other here, and I can add that we also support each other. I hope that we can establish a relationship here today that will last long after the session is over.

Tim: (Mock shock.) Angela! I’m a married man.

Angela: A working relationship Tim. (She stares at him for an uncomfortably long time. CAROLINE comes back.) Ah! Caroline. Had a bit of a freshen up? (CAROLINE scowls at her.) Good. OK, moving on. Um. Where were we?

Brian: Buzzword Bingo.

Tim: Here’s a phrase that sums up the company. Paperless Cubicle.

Brian: That’s true: there’s never any in the gents.

Angela: Where does it say that?

Tim: (Showing her.) There and there.

Angela: You’re not supposed to combine the phrases! Oh never mind, lets move onto the next stage. (She looks at her notes.) Oh, time for an ice breaker.

Brian: Yippee!

Angela: Now, I am sure that we have all played ABC, where we go round the room each of us saying a word that starts with the next letter of the alphabet. We are going to play that, but with a twist. I want you to be thinking about our purpose here today and choose words that might form part of the company mission statement. Sounds fun doesn’t it?

Tim: Thrilling!

Angela: OK. I’ll start. Absolute.

Tim: Bollocks!

Angela: Tim!

Tim: It starts with B.

Angela: If you can’t behave I will…

Tim: Send me to the headmaster with a note? (This is a courageous attempt at boldness from TIM which earns him an icy glare from ANGELA.)

Angela: We’ll start again, shall we? And can we all please try to make a constructive contribution. Now then. Attain.

Tim: Battered. (He’s a brave lad.)

Brian: Cod.

(ANGELA frowns at the boys.)

Jacquie: Digital.

Caroline: Environmentally friendly.

Tim: That’s two words.

Angela: It doesn’t matter. How about (She wiggles her hips.) funky.

Tim: George.

Brian: Harrison.

(ANGELA is about to speak but is cut off by JACQUIE.)

Jacquie: Intelligent.

Caroline: Jewish.

(The boys guffaw.)

Angela: We are looking for a company mission statement here, Caroline.

Caroline: And? The owners are Jewish.

Angela: Yes, but we are looking for positive words.

Tim: Whoa, are you saying being Jewish is negative Angela?

Angela: No I…

Tim: Because if you are, you should know that there are laws against that sort of thing.

Angela: Of course I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being Jewish. I am just saying that it is not really a word you would expect to see in a mission statement.

Jacquie: And ‘battered cod’ and ‘George Harrison’ are?

Angela: Yes, I was going to say something about that as well. I’m glad to see you thinking outside of the box, but please try to keep the word relevant. OK everyone? We’re doing really well, but let’s have some modern happening words. I’ll start us off again; (With emphasis.) Kinky!

Tim: Little.

Brian: Madam.

(The boys leer at ANGELA who again makes TIM uncomfortable with a stare. There is tension in the air until JACQUIE speaks.)

Jacquie: Nationwide.

Caroline: Open.

Angela: (Looking directly at TIM, who doesn’t notice because he is whispering something to BRIAN.) Passionate.

Tim: (Imitating Brian Sewell.) Quintessentially.

Brian: Renaissancesque.

Jacquie: Safe.

Caroline: Targeted.

Angela: Uber.

Tim: Volks.

Brian: Wagon.

Jacquie: Extraordinary.

(TIM is about to protest, but ANGELA fixes him with a glare that would freeze the ocean.)

Caroline: Youthful.

Angela: And zany. Good. Well, that has got the old grey cells working.

Brian: Can I ask something?

Angela: Yes Brian.

Brian: What is the point of all this? This is a big, national company. Why would they pick us four to come up with a new mission statement?

Angela: They wanted it to come from within. The opportunity to participate was open to all.

Brian: But the room is only set up for four. You knew it was only going to be us. We are hardly the crème de la crème are we? Me and Tim are only here for a skive; Caroline is (carefully) returning to work; and as for Miss Laminated Sign here!

Jacquie: What did you just call me?

Brian: It is you isn’t it, that makes all them signs. ‘Please return the milk to the fridge’. ‘Please wipe up any spills’. ‘Please think of others before adjusting the heating’. ‘Will Gentlemen refrain from putting chewing gum in the urinals’? ‘Please put paper towels in the bin provided’. ‘Please ensure the bowl is clear before leaving the cubicle’.

Jacquie: The state of the men’s toilets is disgusting.

Brian: Yes, but the laminated signs just make it worse. Do you think someone is going to drop the chewing gum into the urinal, see the sign and then fish it out again?

Jacquie: If men knew how to behave there would be no need for the signs.

Brian: There is no need for them anyway. I don’t know, give someone a PC, a printer and a laminator and they turn into Big Brother. Don’t do this, don’t do that. Do you follow people round with you little laminating pouches?

Jacquie: Have you got a better idea. Perhaps we should let this place go to ruin.

Brian: Better that than having signs telling you when you can breathe!

Angela: Er yes, I think we have got a little off track here.

Brian: Here’s a mission statement for you. We don’t imitate. We laminate!

Jacquie: If you are just going to sit there and take the piss, why don’t do us all a favour and piss off?

Brian: I can’t do that. I want to make a ‘worthwhile contribution to the debate’.

Angela: If you could just turn the page in your booklet…

Jacquie: The last time you did something worthwhile your mummy had to change your nappy.

Brian: And you get a lot of job satisfaction, do you, sitting there behind your laminated counter?

Angela: (Screaming.) SHUT UP! (There is a stunned silence.) Right, you bunch of misfits, this stops here and it stops now. You might not be la crème de la crème. More like a lump of mouldy cheese stuck at the back of the fridge, but you are all I’ve got and I’m going to get a bloody mission statement out of you if it kills us all. (CAROLINE starts to leave.) Sit down!

Caroline: I need to…

Angela: I said SIT! (She does.) Now, I want you to (Spoken like a threat.) turn the page in your booklet. (They do.) What does it say?

Tim: (Quietly.) Naughty but nice.

Angela: SPEAK UP.

Tim: (Normal voice.) Naughty but nice.

Angela: That’s right. Naughty but nice. (Coming from ANGELA it sounds like the most awful words ever spoken.) What does it say under that?

Tim: Never…

Angela: Brian?

Brian: Um. Never knowingly undersold.

Angela: Yes. Never knowingly undersold. Caroline. What is the difference between ‘naughty but nice’ and ‘never knowingly undersold’?

Caroline: Er…

Angela: Yes.

Caroline: One is about cakes?

(ANGELA takes off her suit jacket, throws it aside then loosens her blouse in preparation for the hard slog she anticipates. She crosses to the flipchart and writes ‘Mission Statement’ at the top of the page and ‘Catch Phrase’ half way down.)

Angela: Where does ‘naughty but nice’ go?

Jacquie: Under…

Angela: Caroline?

Caroline: Under ‘Catch Phrase’.

Angela: Yes! That’s right. (She crosses to CAROLINE, stands behind her and puts her hands on her shoulders. CAROLINE is mortified.) ‘Naughty but nice’ is a catch phrase. Now, Tim. (She crosses to TIM and presses her bosom into TIM’s terrified face before lowering her own face so that it is an inch from his. When she speaks it is full of menace.) Where does ‘never knowingly undersold’ go?

Tim: M, m, m, mission statement.

Angela: Yes Tim. Never knowingly undersold is a mission statement. (She crosses to the flipchart and writes ‘naughty but nice’ under catch phrase and ‘never knowingly undersold’ under mission statement.) So, now we have made some progress. We know the difference between a catch phrase and a mission statement, don’t we? (Silence.) DON’T WE? (Everyone quickly agrees.) Good. (She winks at a traumatised TIM.) So what is it? (Silence.) WELL?

Brian: (Hesitatingly.) A mission statement says something about the company.

Angela: Like ‘Jewish’?

Brian: Something about the purpose of the company.

Angela: Something about the purpose of the company. Very good Brian. I knew you could do it. So now that we know what a mission statement is, perhaps we can make one up. Eh? What do you think Jacquie with a Q?

Jacquie: (Quickly.) Yes. Certainly.

Angela: Good. So what is the purpose of this company?

Brian: We, um. We sell package holidays.

Angela: Yes Brian, we sell package holidays. But what is our purpose?

Brian: To er, send people on holiday.

Angela: Is that it? So long as they actually go on holiday have we achieved our goal?

Brian: Um, well…

Angela: Do we not want them to have the best damn holiday in history?

Brian: Well. Yes. I suppose so.

Angela: So all you have to do is think up a sentence that says that, ok? (With menace.) OK? (Everyone quickly agrees.) Good. (ANGELA re-arranges her blouse, retrieves her jacket and puts it back on. Pats her hair, composes herself then smiles the sweetest of smiles to the group. She crosses to the flipchart and turns the page over. She turns and smiles at the group.) Time for a brainstorm. Words for a mission statement. Everyone knows how a brainstorm works, yes? Just say whatever comes into your head.

Caroline: Um…

Angela: Yes dear?

Caroline: Happy.

Angela: Very good! Happy. (She writes it on the flipchart, as she does other words and phrases suggested during the following)

Jacquie: Sunny.

Caroline: Clean.

Brian: Satisfied customers.

Angela: Good.

Caroline: Value for money.

Brian: Beaches.

Caroline: Hotels.

Brian: Restaurants.

Jacquie: Entertainment.

Caroline: Chartered flights.

Brian: Family friendly.

Jacquie: Safe.

Caroline: Great holidays.

Angela: Excellent. I think we have all we need now. Don’t you think so? An excellent selection of words and it is there isn’t it? Doesn’t it just leap out at you? Look. (She circles the words as she reads them out.) Happy, customers, Happy, (again.) holidays. Happy Customers, Happy Holidays. Isn’t that just a great mission statement? (General murmuring. Everyone is just glad it is over.) It just goes to show what teamwork can achieve. We have done exactly what we set out to do. (She turns a page of the flipchart to reveal a fresh page which has

New Company Mission Statement

Happy Customers, Happy Holidays

already neatly printed on the page.)

Tim: (Astonished.) It had already been decided?

Angela: No Tim. (She crosses to him and gently strokes his cheek.) We came up with it. This team. That’s what the next company newsletter will say and that is what you will tell anyone who asks. (Menacingly) Isn’t it? (Everyone agrees.) Good. Well, as we have worked so well together it means that we have finished a little early I suggest that we fetch the lunch and then we can all get back to our desks this afternoon. (Moving toward the exit.) Come on Tim.

Tim: Me?

Angela: Yes, you can help me carry the tray. (TIM is reluctant but joins her. ANGELA is triumphant.)

End