Characters:

Sally: Wise, kindly, authoritative

Molly: A little nervous

Sam: Hyperactive

Bruno: Huge, misunderstood.

Setting:

Rescue Kennels.

SALLY: Will you stop pacing about. What is wrong with you? 

MOLLY: I can’t help it. I’m nervous.

SALLY: Pacing up and down the kennel isn’t going to change anything.

MOLLY: I don’t know how you can just sit there Sally. Do you think she will be alright?  

SALLY: Who? 

MOLLY: Pixie of course.

SALLY: She’ll be fine.

MOLLY: I hope so.

SALLY: She will be. They looked like a nice couple. She’ll be fine.

MOLLY: I’m going to miss her.

SALLY: Don’t worry about her Molly.  

MOLLY: Who do you think we’ll get next door now.  

SALLY: Stop panicking. I’m sure that whoever moves in to her old kennel will be nice. 

MOLLY: How can you say that? 

SALLY: There’s no reason to believe anything else.

MOLLY: This is a rescue centre Sally! We don’t all come from loving homes you know. Some of us have issues.

SALLY: I know. But most of the guys are OK aren’t they?

MOLLY: What about Bruno? 

SALLY: Bruno’s OK.

MOLLY: He’s not exactly well balanced is he?

SALLY: He’s alright.

MOLLY: Alright? Barking like a mad thing every time he hears a car is alright? Growling at the staff is alright? Howling the whole night is alright? 

SALLY: He’s never hurt anyone. He’s had a hard life.

MOLLY: And it’s not about to get any better.

SALLY: Don’t say that. Molly, how can you say that?

MOLLY: Nobody would have him though would they? Even if people believe he’s all bark and no bite they are not going to take him home.

SALLY: Ssshh. He’ll hear you. And don’t say that. There’s hope for all of us.

MOLLY: Yeah right.

SALLY: We have to have hope.

MOLLY: Why? What’s the point? 

SALLY: There’s hope for all of us. Pixie found someone.

MOLLY: Pixie is cute. A cute little ball of fluff, that’s what they called her. Bruno isn’t cute. Bruno is just scary. And what about us? Who’s going to want us? ‘Cannot be separated’ That’s what it says about us. Who is going to want to take both of us? I mean, look at you. You’re on your last legs Sally. Sorry to be blunt about it but it’s true.

SALLY: You wouldn’t go without me would you? (Pause) Molly?  

(SAM joins us)

SAM:  (Spoken at a furious pace) Hello Molly, hello Sally, I’ve been for a walk. I smelt rabbits and I saw birds and, and I saw a squirrel, well I think it was a squirrel, and more rabbits and more birds and, and there was a stick, but I couldn’t reach it, but I’ve remembered where it is, and, and, oh yes, I heard a noise and I forgot I was on a lead and I went to run after the noise and Catherine, she was walking me, said ‘Oh Sam’ just like that, you know, ‘Oh Sam’ and I looked up at her and she just laughed so I know she didn’t mind, but I’ve remembered where the stick was and, and…

SALLY: You’ve been for a walk have you Sam? 

SAM: Yes, Oh I love walks.

SALLY: I think we’ve gathered that.  

SAM: Love them. Has anyone seen my, oh there it is. (SAM’s voice fades)

MOLLY: I don’t know where he gets his energy.

SALLY: It’s in his breeding isn’t it? They’re are supposed to be little bundles of energy.

MOLLY: Yeah, but he never gives it a rest.

SALLY: A bit like you.

MOLLY: What? 

SALLY: Will you sit down for God’s sake.

MOLLY: Oh.

SALLY: That’s better.  

BRUNO: (Suddenly, booming) Someone’s coming!

SAM: Oh good, good, good.

SALLY: Alright Bruno, thank you.

BRUNO: Someone’s coming, someone’s coming. I heard a car.

SALLY: They might not be coming into the kennels.

MOLLY: Was it a car or a van? 

SALLY: I don’t know, I didn’t hear. Ask Bruno.

MOLLY: You ask him. 

SALLY: Oh Molly!

MOLLY: Please.

BRUNO: Someone’s coming.

SALLY: He’s fine. Just ask him. 

MOLLY: Please.

SALLY: Ask him. 

MOLLY: Er. Bruno? 

BRUNO: Someone’s coming. What?  

MOLLY: Would you mind.

BRUNO: What is it?

MOLLY: Well, do you know, er…

BRUNO: Spit it out for God’s sake.

MOLLY: Was it a car or a van? 

BRUNO: What? 

MOLLY: A car or a van.

BRUNO: A car. I think. Or a small van. What does it matter?

MOLLY: Could it have been the van.

BRUNO: The van?

MOLLY: You know. The van.

BRUNO: Oh no. It wasn’t the van.

MOLLY: Oh thank God.

SALLY:  Happy now? 

MOLLY: I’m just not ready. OK. I haven’t got used to Pixie going yet. I don’t want a stranger moving in just yet.

SALLY: Pixie’s only been gone ten minutes. I don’t think they’ll move someone in today. Anyway, you had better get used to standing up for yourself, if your thinking of getting out of here without me.

MOLLY: Sally, I didn’t…

BRUNO: Someone’s coming. Someone’s coming.

SALLY: There is as well. Positions everyone.

(There is a moments silence but it doesn’t last long.)

BRUNO: Hello. (Beat) Hello. (Beat) Hello.

SAM: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

SALLY: Lads, please

BRUNO: Hello. (Beat) Hello.

SAM: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

SALLY: For God’s sake.

SAM: Hello. Hello.

SALLY: She’s gone Sam.

SAM: Hello. Hello.

SALLY: She’s gone

BRUNO: Wait!

SALLY: Too late she’s gone. Thanks lads.

SAM: What did I do?

SALLY: A cacophony of sound every time someone walks in here. It’s no wonder nobody stays long.

SAM: I just wanted to say hello.

SALLY: I think you just about did that. (Beat) She’ll be in the next block now choosing a nice quiet dog.

SAM: I couldn’t help it, I just…

MOLLY: Leave him Sally. He can’t help it. You said so yourself.

SALLY: You’ve changed your tune.

MOLLY: Make’s no difference to us does it? She didn’t glance at us. She didn’t want two dogs. Nobody ever does.

SALLY: She couldn’t have heard herself think in here.

MOLLY: Now who’s changed their tune. I thought it was in the breeding.

SALLY: Well, yes, but people will just have to learn to control themselves or we’ll all be here forever.

MOLLY: Except Pixie. 

SALLY: Yes but Mad Dog Sam was out on his walk at the time wasn’t he? 

MOLLY: (Quietly) What about Bruno? 

SALLY: Sorry? 

MOLLY: (Quietly) He was here.

BRUNO: Yes I was here Molly.

MOLLY: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…

BRUNO: I just get excited. That’s all it is. There’s no need to be frightened.

MOLLY: But you didn’t get excited when they took Pixie.

BRUNO: No, well. I heard them talking in the office. They said they were looking for a cute little dog. I don’t think I quite fit the bill.

SALLY: You heard them? 

SAM: I’m sorry. It’s all my fault.

SALLY: It’s OK Sam. (To Bruno) You can hear them talking in the office?

BRUNO:  Yes. That’s why I was a guard dog. Good hearing.

SALLY: Hmm. What we need is a process.

MOLLY: A what? 

SALLY: A visitor process.  

MOLLY: I thought we had one.

SALLY: Yes. I shout positions everyone then everybody just does what they like. We need a proper agreed process. And the first thing is to try to control our instincts and remain calm. 

BRUNO: She’s going! She’s going!

SALLY: Bruno!

BRUNO: She’s going!

MOLLY: That was quick.

SALLY: That means she didn’t choose anyone.

SAM: Oh no.

SALLY: What?

SAM: Why didn’t she choose anyone? There must be someone here she likes.

SALLY: Apparently not.

SAM: Oh no. Oh that is so sad.

BRUNO: She might be coming back.

MOLLY: Sorry? 

BRUNO: She might want to bring her husband or something.

SALLY: Bruno, I hardly think that’s…

BRUNO: (Sotto voice) Shut up.

MOLLY: What? 

BRUNO: For a second opinion.

SALLY: If she wanted… 

BRUNO: (Sotto voice) Shut up! (He indicates SAM who is looking very glum)

MOLLY: What did you say Sally?

SALLY: (Realising) Oh, yes. That could be it.

SAM: Do you think so?

SALLY: Oh yes. Absolutely.

MOLLY: Why is everyone muttering? 

SALLY: We’re not muttering.

MOLLY: You are.

SAM: Yes! She’s going to come back. Yes, yes!

SALLY: What were we talking about? 

MOLLY: Processes.

SALLY: Yes, that’s right. I propose that we form a committee to plan the best way for us all to get out of here.

BRUNO: An escape committee

SAM: Ha, ha, ha, ha. We could dig a tunnel. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

BRUNO: Make up handlers uniforms and smuggle ourselves out.

SAM: We would need fake doggy passports.

BRUNO: No you mean fake human passports with our photo’s on.

SAM: Oh yes. Ha, ha, ha, ha.  

BRUNO: Perhaps we could sneak out on the supply truck.

SAM: Or leapfrog the wall. Ha, ha, ha, he, he.

BRUNO: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

SALLY: Thank you.

BRUNO: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

SAM: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, he, he, he.

SALLY: THANK YOU! OK. We’ve all had our bit of fun. But this is serious. And when I say get out of here I mean re-homed. Escaping is pointless. We would only end up back here.

BRUNO: Re-captured.

SAM: Ha, ha, he, he.

BRUNO: (In a German accent) Halt, English dog!

SAM: Ha, ha. Except ha, ha. You’re a German Shepherd, ha, ha, ha

BRUNO: Oh, yes. I forgot!  Snell, snell!

SALLY: Soooo,  the whole point of this is for us to work out what it is people are looking for when they come here so that we can give it to them.

MOLLY: But different people are looking for different things.

SALLY: Exactly. But they always tell the staff in the office what they are looking for before they take a walk around. If we know what they are looking for it will help us.

BRUNO: Excuse me, but how does this work exactly. I mean, if we have someone come here looking for a Yorkshire Terrier they are not going to go home with me are they?

SALLY: Well no…

BRUNO: No matter how ‘yappy’ I behave whilst they are here.

SAM: Sorry? 

SALLY: No, but they might take Sam, if he behaves exactly right.

SAM: Yappy apparently.

SALLY: No. Look Sam, you’re a kind of terrier right? 

SAM: Yes?

SALLY: But not a Yorkshire Terrier. 

SAM: No.

SALLY:  But if we have someone come here saying that they are looking for a Yorkshire Terrier they would choose you. And do you know why? 

SAM: Because I’m yappy? 

SALLY: No. Why do people want Yorkshire Terriers? 

SAM: Er.

SALLY: Because they are small, cute, playful, strong. They do that thing where they make their head go lop-sided. They look at you with wonder. They are timid but trusting. That’s why people want Yorkshire Terries. You just have to behave like that. Now. Why do people want Westies? 

SAM: Because they are white?

SALLY: No. Because they are like Yorkshires but a bit arrogant, a bit aloof. And some people like that. Are you beginning to understand?

SAM: Er.

SALLY: If we know someone is coming who is looking for a Yorkie then you should behave like a Yorkie. If some is looking for a Westie then you should behave like a Westie.  

SAM: Er. Yes, I think I understand.

BRUNO: So if someone is looking for a guard dog I act like a German Shepherd.

MOLLY: You are a German Shepherd.

BRUNO: Or if they are looking for a faithful companion I act like a Golden Retriever.

SALLY: Yes! Yes! You’ve got it. Not too much like a Golden Retriever though. Give me a chance.

BRUNO: We can give it a go I suppose.

SALLY: Right, so we’ll have to get you moved Bruno.

MOLLY: What? 

SALLY: Move Bruno into the empty kennel so he is next to the office. Then he won’t miss a word.

MOLLY: Next to us?

SALLY: Yes.

MOLLY: And how do you propose to do that? 

SALLY: Bruno and Sam will have a fight.

BRUNO: What? 

SAM: Me and Bruno  

SALLY: Yes, pretend to be having a fight through the cage walls then they’ll have to move one of you. My betting is they will move Bruno.

MOLLY: And they’ll have to move him next to us because there’s no where else to put him. 

SALLY: Exactly!

SAM: We’ll have to be quick then. Before that lady comes back. She might choose a dog from the other block

BRUNO: But, what do we do

SALLY: Just call each other names.

BRUNO: Oh. Um. Spotty

MOLLY: Is that the best you can do.

BRUNO: Well, at least it is accurate.  Spotty. Spotty.

SAM: Lanky, lanky, lanky.

BRUNO: Spotty, spotty.

(BRUNO and SAM continue to squabble as Sally and Molly settle down to await the staffintervention)

MOLLY: Do you think this will work

SALLY: I don’t know. But we’ve got to try something.

MOLLY: I wouldn’t really go without you, you know.

SALLY: I know you wouldn’t Molly.

MOLLY: We’re bound to be just what someone is looking for eventually.

SALLY: Your looks and my brains? Kid we can’t fail!

(BRUNO and SAM’s squabble reaches a crescendo.)

END