Spider Spider

A Doctor’s surgery. Mr Edwards enters.

Doctor: Ah, Mr Edwards. You got the message then?
Mr Edwards: Yes. My blood results are back?
Doctor: Yes. Most interesting.
Mr Edwards: Interesting?
Doctor. Yes. You said that you have recently been to Equatorial Africa?
Mr Edwards: Yes.
Doctor: Well, I’m afraid you’ve had a bit of a nip. Arachno Rutilus. Tiny little red spider.
Mr Edwards: Oh my God!
Doctor: Nothing to worry about; they are not poisonous. In a way I should be congratulating you.
Mr Edwards: Congratulating me?
Doctor: Yes. You’re going to be a father.
Mr Edwards: I - what?
Doctor: You are carrying. You were impregnated. In a few weeks a lump will appear on your neck, it will swell up and dozens of tiny little spiders will be growing inside. Then, when you reach full term you can come back to see me.
Mr Edwards: You – I – er.
Doctor: Of course it will have to be a caesarean.
Mr Edwards: I, fww, cha.
Doctor: Make an appointment on your way out. Thank you.
Mr Edwards: I just. I mean. You…
Doctor: The receptionist will tell you what you need to do.
Mr Edwards. I just don’t believe…
Doctor: Of course you don’t believe, Mr Edwards, because it’s all nonsense. I made it up. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s never anything wrong with you. Now perhaps you will think twice before wasting my time again. Close the door on the way out.

Mad Axe Murderer

Do you think that mad axe murderers are on the increase?
Well, one has just escaped; according to the police.
It was on the car radio, I had it on just now,
I’m beginning to wish that we hadn’t had that stupid row.

But running out of petrol! As if I’d fall for that.
‘Well, go and bloody get some then,’ I told him flat.
I’m getting really hungry, I hope he brings some grub
He’s been gone for bloody ages; I bet he’s found a pub.

‘Do not approach the patient’. The radio just said.
But my boyfriend is not the type, well, he wouldn’t lose his head.
When he gets back I’ll tell him, ‘you had me bloody scared,
There’s lunatic on the loose, you’re lucky you’ve been spared.’

Not that I’m really worried, I mean, please!
To imagine there’s a loony, hiding in the trees.
I’m just a little irritated, to tell you the honest truth.
Sitting here all alone, with something knocking on the roof.

                                   THE BARGAIN

                    Martin is browsing the internet

          MARTIN
               Hey, look at this

          JANE
               What?

          MARTIN
               Audi A8. 6 months old. One hundred quid. Buy it now
               price!

          JANE
               What have I told you about eBay?

          MARTIN
               But look. One hundred quid. Buy it now!

          JANE
               That will be the starting price you idiot.

          MARTIN
               No. 'Buy it now', means that is the price they have to
               sell it to you for. They've obviously made a mistake.

          JANE
               So how come no one has bought it then.

          MARTIN
               It has only just been listed. If I get in quick I can
               get a real bargain.

          JANE
               Are you sure?

          MARTIN
               No time to waste. I'm getting it. There, done. "This
               requires immediate payment using paypal." No problem.

          JANE
               Are you sure about this?

          MARTIN
               Of course. I couldn't waste time could I. Lets have a
               look at the description, Ah...

          JANE
               What?

          MARTIN
               It says 'I am selling this for my ex husband. He told
               me to sell it on eBay for whatever I can get and send
               him the money.' The crafty bitch!

          JANE
               You mean she's sold it cheap to screw him?

          MARTIN
               Looks that way. Not that I'm complaining. There,
               transaction completed.

          JANE
               Shift out the way then.

          MARTIN
               What are you doing?

          JANE
               1993 Nissan Mirca. £100 Buy it now.

   End